Whether a traumatic event occurred before or after you entered your relationship, it is likely that the trauma-symptoms are contributing to your relationship dynamics. Although there is some research that suggests that trauma has a positive impact on relationships, the grand majority of research suggests that it decreases relationship satisfaction and increases conflict.

Trauma’s Effect on a Relationship

According to Psychology Today, there are 5 ways that trauma could be showing up in your romantic relationship:

1. The first is that you get triggered into a trauma state and either become overwhelmed or shut down. As a result, your partner might feel attacked, shut out, or rejected.

2. The second is that you might be responding to your partner using a fight, flight, or freeze response.

   • Fight means you attack your partner, verbally, emotionally, or even physically.

   • Flight means you avoid the problem at all costs. 

   • Freeze means you shut down and distance yourself from your partner.

3. The third way that trauma could be showing up in your relationship is through hiding parts of yourself from your partner. If your trauma is shame-based, then you will try to hide those shamed parts from your partner in order to be loved. This creates a barrier between you and your partner. On the one hand, your partner feels like they cannot fully connect with you, and on the other hand, you resent your partner for having to hide away parts of who you are.

4. The fourth way that trauma shows up is by misattributing characteristics to your partner. If in a past relationship you felt shamed and attacked, you might assume that all relationships are like that. So, you bring these negative assumptions of what relationships and people are like into your current relationship, even if it is unwarranted.

5. The final way that trauma could show up in your relationship is by believing that you deserve to be treated poorly. This makes it really hard for you to accept genuine love and support from your partner. Which in turn can make your partner feel rejected.

Many of the above-mentioned responses are largely due to insecure attachment styles. In fact, some people think that the determining factor of how trauma is going to affect a relationship is attachment style. Trauma-related stress and responses are due to how we interpret and deal with a traumatic event, and this can be fundamentally attributed to our attachment style.

Trauma and Attachment

Trauma-related symptoms include things like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. People with insecure attachment styles are likely to show more trauma-related symptoms than people with secure attachment styles. Trauma-related stress is dependent on how the event is interpreted and what coping strategies are used. People with insecure attachment styles do not have great coping skills, which is why their relationships tend to suffer more after a traumatic event.

People with insecure attachment styles, anxious and avoidant, learn that they cannot lean on others for safety and support. This is especially damaging after a traumatic experience because the traumatized partner is likely to distance themselves from their partner is some way. In an anxious attachment style, the traumatized partner is unable to accept support or be soothed by their partner. With an avoidant attachment style, the traumatized partner is likely to turn away from the relationship and stonewall their supportive partner. Both of these insecure attachment involve a difficulty in accepting support from your partner, which is isolating to both partners.

Changing your attachment style is totally possible and is actually something that happens naturally when we enter safe, healthy, and supportive relationships. It is a process that involves the process of learning to:

1

Trust your partner

2

Seek out your partner for support and safety

3

Recognize your trauma responses and triggers

When we operate from a secure attachment style, our relationship can become a resource for healing and growth. We can feel safe to process a traumatic event because we are supported and cared for by our partner. And as people experience posttraumatic growth, they often grow closer to their partner. So, a big determinant of how trauma will affect our relationship is attachment style.

Trauma and Relational Healing

Trauma really only has a negative effect on a relationship when the couple attributes trauma-related symptoms to inherent faults in the traumatized-partner’s character. That’s why it’s imperative for the supporting partner to understand the experience of the traumatized partner. Here are a few tips to for couples to move through trauma:

1

As a supporting partner, try to understand your partner’s symptoms from a trauma perspective. Many times, their anxious or avoidant reactions are just that- reactions. They are not necessarily purposefully trying to hurt you.

2

It is important for both partners to support each other. The trauma symptoms are difficult to deal with for both partners. When the supportive partner is supportive of the traumatized partner’s recovery, the traumatized partner can feel safe enough to process the traumatic experience. For the traumatized partner, it is important to reassure the supportive partner, particularly in times of anxiety and avoidance. Assure your partner that you do still care for them.

3

As the traumatized partner, it is important to recognize when a behavior is a result of a trigger rather than the present situation. In order for the traumatized partner to even be able to reassure the supportive partner, the traumatized partner needs to recognize when their behavior is a result of a trigger rather than of what is currently happening. With trauma, it is natural for people to be “triggered” or dragged back into the emotions they felt during a traumatic experience. For example, when you react strongly to your partner not doing the dishes, is it really about the dishes? Probably not. What is more likely is that your partner not doing the dishes triggered something in you.

Conclusion

Although trauma can be an isolating experience, it can be helpful to lean on our partner for support. For us to do this, we first need to examine ourselves, particularly our attachment styles, to see how they are contributing to our trauma-response.

Further Resources:

• Psychology Today Article about How Trauma Affects Relationships

• Good Therapy Article on The Difference Between “Little t” and “Big T” Trauma

• My previous article on Trauma and Your Body

References

• Greenberg, M. (2019, August 13). How traumas create negative patterns in relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 19, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201908/how-traumas-create-negative-patterns-in-relationships

• Johnson, S. M., & Williams-Keeler, L. (1998). Creating healing relationships for couples dealing with trauma: The use of emotionally focused marital therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 24(1), 25–40. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1998.tb01061.x

• Marshall, E. M., & Kuijer, R. G. (2017). Weathering the storm? The impact of trauma on romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 54–59. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.013

• Nelson Goff, B. S., Reisbig, A. M. J., Bole, A., Scheer, T., Hayes, E., Archuleta, K. L., Blalock Henry, S., Hoheisel, C. B., Nye, B., Osby, J., Sanders-Hahs, E., Schwerdtfeger, K. L., & Smith, D. B. (2006). The effects of trauma on intimate relationships: A qualitative study with clinical couples. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 76(4), 451–460. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1037/0002-9432.76.4.451

• Orme, W., Kapoor, S., Frueh, B. C., Allen, J. G., Fowler, J. C., & Madan, A. (2021). Attachment Style Mediates the Relationship between Trauma and Somatic Distress among Individuals with Serious Mental Illness. Psychiatry: Interpersonal & Biological Processes, 84(2), 150–164. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1080/00332747.2021.1930427

• Roddick, M. L. (2015, October 19). Big T and little T trauma and how your body reacts to it. Good Therapy. Retrieved March 19, 2023, from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/big-t-and-little-t-trauma-and-how-your-body-reacts-to-it-1019154.