Trauma and Healing After Infidelity
“But one theme comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem, and is more often described as an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.”
Infidelity involves a painful rupture of trust and safety within a relationship. It tends to elicit a trauma response in the hurt partner because they lose a guttural sense of safety and trust. For the involved partner, it can include an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame which can also result in a trauma-like response. And even though infidelity is a really difficult issue, most couples that experience it actually stay together.
A Range of Emotions After Infidelity
After infidelity, the hurt partner is likely to experience a trauma response that keeps them in a state of hyper arousal. Infidelity is like having a rug pulled out from underneath them, when the rug is actually a basic feeling safety and trust. As a result, the hurt partner might turn to withdrawing, blaming, or defensiveness in order to protect themselves. And often after infidelity, protection means keeping the involved partner away from them. After an affair is discovered, the involved partner might experience a range of emotions like:
Betrayal
Emotional turmoil
Disbelief
Anger
Resentment
Disillusionment
Fear
Hopelessness
Depression
A profound sense of loss
A general lost sense of innocence, trust, and safety
Grief
At the same time, the involved partner might have a trauma-like response as well because they lost a sense of who they are. Thoughts like “How could I have done this?”, “How could I have hurt somebody that I love so deeply?”, and “I never thought I could do this” might run though the involved partner’s mind. The feelings of guilt and shame can be incredibly overwhelming, and actually the reason why many involved partners end up leaving.
It is not always helpful to try to understand why the involved partner cheated. Infidelity happens even in satisfied relationships. A lot of the time, the involved partner might engage in self-deception before choosing to go through with the infidelity. The involved partner, might suppress, compartmentalize, minimize, deny, or justify their transgression to themselves in some way. So, people who receive social support to cheat, are more likely to go through with it because their self-deception is supported.
Therapy for Infidelity Recovery
Before couples can begin to work on infidelity recovery, there needs to be a commitment to the relationship from both partners. Therapy can be really supportive at this point because it can help contain the initial crisis after the affair discovery. In therapy, the couple will continue to examine the context of the affair and agree on what forgiveness will mean and look like for them.
Forgiveness is a main component of infidelity recovery and reuniting a couple. It necessitates empathy, humility, commitment, and hope from both partners. For forgiveness to occur, the hurt partner needs to be able to express their pains and fears openly to the involved partner. In return, the involved partner should be accessible, responsive, and engaged with the hurt partner’s worries. Just like how supportive partners are vital in trauma recovery, the involved partner is vital in affair recovery. They can help they can help the hurt partner regain a sense of safety and trust through accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.
Some Steps After Infidelity
Here are some steps that the involved partner can take after infidelity to move towards healing (Scuka, 2015):
Willingly disclose information and be honest with your partner in order to rebuild trust and safety. Also, eliminate any potential threats so that hurt partner doesn’t have to hold on to suspicions and doubts.
Demonstrate to your partner that you are committed and willing to listen to them and their worries. Be patient, supportive, and compassionate as your partner works through the betrayal.
Demonstrate your commitment to interpersonal healing and to rebuilding your relationship. Like Esther Perel says, you are now working on building a new relationship.
Here are some steps that the hurt partner can take after infidelity to move towards healing (Scuka, 2015):
Be open to listening to your partner. Try to remain calm when hearing them out.
Recognize that your partner is not perfect, just like you and everyone else. Of course, this doesn’t excuse a betrayal, but it’s a way to rehumanize your partner.
Demonstrate that you want to forgive your partner and are committed to rebuilding the relationship. This will help your partner move past shame and guilt, which only impede connection.
Infidelity can feel so hopeless and like the end of a relationship. It can be an incredible violation of safety and trust for the hurt partner. And an endless pit of shame and guilt for the involved partner. However, it is definitely possible to move past infidelity, especially with therapy. And, oftentimes, couples are able to build stronger and deeper relationships after infidelity.
Resources
Rethinking Infidelity Video from Esther Perel
The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
My Trauma and Attachment Blog
References
Brimhall, A. S., Miller, B. J., Maxwell, K. A., & Alotaiby, A. M. (2017). Does It Help or Hinder? Technology and Its Role in Healing Post Affair. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 42–60. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1080/15332691.2016.1142408
Fife, S. T., Weeks, G. R., & Stellberg, F. J. (2013). Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: An interpersonal model. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(4), 343–367.
Losey, B. (2021). Managing the aftermath of infidelity : a sequential guide for therapists and couples. Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.
Scuka, R. F. (2015). A Clinician’s Guide to Helping Couples Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 14(2), 141–168. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1080/15332691.2014.953653
Vaterlaus, J. M., & Tulane, S. (2019). The Perceived Influence of Interactive Technology on Marital Relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 41(3), 247–257. https://doi-org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1007/s10591-019-09494-w
