When we are small, we need our parents for everything: food, water, shelter, none of it is possible without them. That’s why people say we are wired for connections, because connection keeps us safe from the time we are born. Connection ensures that we get our basic survival needs met and that we stay alive. As we grow, connection shifts into meaning more of an emotional security and acceptance of who we are. Based on our relationship with our parents, we create “internal working models” which are like scripts for how we expect other people to react when we as something of them, like love. Our scripts also include the way that we need to act in order to get our needs met. This is often what we call a secure, anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent attachment styles.

Creating A Secure Base

When we are young, the goal of attachment is to maintain proximity to our caregivers because we want to be kept safe and alive. Also, fear, sadness, anger, and joy trigger our attachment system and as a result, our proximity seeking behaviors. We balance proximity seeking behaviors with exploratory behaviors, which is when we go out into the world, explore, and learn new things.

When our caregiver is somebody that we know is safe for us to come back to, we conceptualize them as our “secure base.” This means that no matter how we are feeling, whether that’s afraid, sad, joyful, or angry, we can rely on our caregiver to be there for support.

For us to be able to be able to consider our caregiver as someone that is a secure base for us, they need to be accessible, responsive, and engaged with our needs.

• Our caregiver is accessible if they are available to connect when we need them.

• Our caregiver is responsive when they show that out emotions matter to them.

• Our caregiver is engaged when they validate, empathize, and are mentally and emotionally present with us.

We begin by favoring proximity over exploration but as we learn that our attachment figure is not going anywhere, no matter where we go, we become more comfortable with exploration. As we get older, we favor the exploration system more and more. So much so that we no longer need our caregiver to be physically present to feel proximity. We internalize the feeling of safety that they instill within us. Their love and care are imprinted onto who we are and our sense of safety, even when we are away from them

What Are Internal Working Models?

Based on how our caregiver responds to our needs, we build an “internal working model” which is like a script of how we except people to react to us. This script includes:

• An expectation of how our attachment figure will react when we need them.

• A notion of how acceptable we are to our attachment figure.

We are seeking physical, mental, and emotional security and comfort from our caregivers. Their ability to provide that for us determines what we expect not only from them but from other people too.

If our caregiver is not accessible, responsive, or engaged with us, we begin the process of detachment. Detachment is gradual and it includes the following steps:

1. An angry protest

2. Clinging

3. Depression

4. Despair, we no longer expect our caregiver to respond

5. Until we eventually detach

Attachment Styles

When we try to connect with our attachment figure and still have hope that they will react and meet our need for comfort and security, we kick our attachment behaviors into overdrive. It’s like waving our hands in the air and saying “Here I am! Pay attention to me!” We cling anxiously to and pursue our caregiver hoping that they will want to connect with us too. This is what we would call an anxious attachment.

On the other side of things, when we have no hope that our attachment figure will respond to us, we stop pursuing them and instead withdraw. We learn to relay solely on ourselves because the burden of loneliness and isolation is lesser than the pain of rejection and disappointment. Instead of seeking attachment, we distract ourselves with other things like overachieving. This is what we would call an avoidant attachment.

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are grouped into the insecure attachment styles category. The flip side of that is secure attachment where our caregiver was accessible, responsive, and engaged with us all or most of the time. But because we all had caregivers that were human, that likely was not the case. Instead, we experienced plenty of relationship ruptures and wounds that we work to heal as we get older and hope that we don’t repeat with our kids. Even though we likely will because we are also human, and we are also hurt and imperfect.  

The beautiful thing about humans is that we change and evolve as we grow. Through emotional communication, we can change our working models and move towards safety. Relationship ruptures and insecure attachment are normal and ubiquitous. One of the most amazing things that we do as humans is continuously work toward healing and growth. Insecure attachment is just an opportunity to grow and move towards healing.

I wonder if this is all sounding familiar to you? You might like to know that we tend to repeat the internal working models we have with our parents with our significant others. So, attachment is not something that just kind of goes away, it really stays with us unless we dive into some self-exploration and healing.

If you are interested in learning more about your attachment and you are a woman in Texas, I would encourage you to consider joining this relationship processing therapy group for women:

Resources

Relationship Processing Group shown above

Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Attachment Therapists in the Austin, Texas area

References

• Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E. (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. Guilford Press.

• Karen, R. (1994). Becoming attached: unfolding the mystery of the infant-mother bond and its impact on later life. Warner Books.