What I Wish Couples Knew About Fighting

I've encountered two distinct partner archetypes, each with their unique approach to navigating relationship conflict. Understanding your role and your partner’s role is imperative, as it forms the foundation for addressing the challenges that often arise within your relationship.

The Withdrawer

The first archetype is the "withdrawer" – the partner who prioritizes self-care before tending to the relationship. This individual tends to focus on personal needs and well-being. And in moments of intense conflict or discomfort, they preserve this wellbeing by withdrawing emotionally. It's not that they don't care about their partner or the relationship, but rather, they might be scared of making conflict worse or find that the only thing they can control is their own wellbeing. 

The Pursuer

On the flip side, we have the "pursuer" – the partner who instinctively prioritizes the relationship's well-being before their own. This individual may find it challenging to enjoy life or attend to personal needs without first ensuring that the relationship is thriving. The pursuer's focus on connection and maintaining the relationship can sometimes lead to neglecting their individual needs. 

When couples present these seemingly opposing approaches, gridlock becomes almost inevitable. The clash of priorities and needs can give rise to fears and doubts, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty.

Questions like "Can we ever be happy together?" or "Maybe we shouldn't be together" can surface during these moments. It's essential to recognize that these thoughts are a product of the tension between the withdrawer and pursuer dynamics. The withdrawer may fear they're not doing enough for the relationship, while the pursuer may feel unfulfilled and question their worthiness as a partner.

Witnessing this gridlock can be daunting, both for the partners involved and for me as a guide through their journey. However, it's crucial to acknowledge that this phase is an opportunity for growth and understanding. It's a chance for partners to explore each other's perspectives, recognize the strengths in their differences, and find a harmonious balance that caters to both individual and relational needs.

The fear and doubt that accompany gridlock are common, but they don't have to dictate the future of a relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and a willingness to embrace each other's unique approaches, couples can move beyond the gridlock and build a stronger foundation for lasting happiness.

So, what I would really want couples coming into my office to know is that I get that relational conflict is scary. Yet, we all experience conflict and it tends to look fairly similar across relationships. And I hope that through therapy, couples can leave with an increasing sense of lightness and hopefulness.