To Grow Closer To Your Partner…
It’s so easy to feel disconnected from the people we love.
Life is so busy sometimes, that we put steady relationships in the background thinking that they’ll be okay without our constant attention. But if we do this for too long, like a plant, our relationships will begin to wither. Sometimes, we don’t even notice it happening.
How many times have you heard a friend say “we just grew apart” after a breakup?
Because one of the most cited reasons for separation, is growing apart (Gravningen et al., 2017). Growing is a natural part of life, which means that growing apart is probably also very organic. And a path that we deliberately need to carve out with our partners.
If we want to stay connected to our partners, we must actively work towards connection and reconnection.
Rituals For Connection
One of the things that a therapist might help a couple with is creating rituals for connection.
Rituals for connection are part of creating a shared meaning system for life which is the most intimate aspect of a romantic relationship (Gottman theory). It is the pinnacle; a shared meaning system is what comes after everything else in a relationship. It is what keeps us engaged in a relationship.
Creating shared meaning necessitates sharing ourselves fully and receiving our partners fully as well.
However, we really aren’t sharing so vulnerably and deliberately all the time. Nor can we be expected to. Emotional processing is one of the most energy consuming activities that our brain does.
So, how do we reconcile this? How do we share deep and meaningful stories and not burn out?
John and Julie Gottman suggested the creation, or more so, the scheduling of rituals for connection. You might think that scheduling makes connection sounds monotonous or forced, but it doesn’t have to be that way!
When we schedule time out of our day, week, month, or year to do something special and meaningful with our partner, it can help us to fully put our energy and attention to that. So instead of worrying about work or family life, we can be fully present in reconnecting with our partner.
It also gives you something to look forward to amid the chaos of life.
Five Rituals For Connection
The Gottman’s proposed five essential rituals for connection:
1. Daily Conversations.
This is intended to be a 30-minute conversation in which each partner takes 15 minutes to talk about whatever they want. Try to find something meaningful that can connect you with your partner. And also, light enough that it doesn’t turn into an unexpectedly long conversation. The point of this is to leave feeling connected, cared for, and supported by your partner. As well as to make your partner feel those things back.
2. Daily Touch.
The Gottman’s called this “cuddle time” but I am calling it touch time because it involves a lot of things outside of cuddling. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and of course, cuddling, count as touch time. This is meant to be bonding and not necessarily erotic touch that helps you bond and connect with your partner in a loving way.
3. The Weekly “State of the Union.”
This is a structured conversation that couples can have in which the following items are on the agenda:
What has gone right in the relationship this week?
What are 5 things that you appreciated about each other this week?
What were some difficulties you had this week together? If there was a fight, this is the time to process it and close that chapter.
End the meeting by asking each other “What is something that I can do next week to make you feel loved?”
4. The Weekly Date.
This doesn’t have to be super long, probably about 1 hour. But the idea is that you and your partner can do something together and get a chance to talk for a little longer that you do in your daily check-ins. The goal of this is to get to know how your partner is doing and what is on their mind and heart.
5. Sex Rituals.
These can be daily, weekly, monthly, or even annual because desire varies so much between couples and fluctuates throughout life. Scheduling sex may sound sterile and impersonal. But it could actually help create the mental space for you and your partner to enjoy that time together even more. Here is a GREAT article that is all about scheduling sex into your week.
So, what are some rituals that you might want to incorporate into your relationship? How might you take these 5 ideas and make them your own? Do you have other ideas for daily, weekly, monthly, or even annual rituals?
Join my relationship processing group and learn more about your attachment style and how it comes up in your relationship!
References
Gravningen, K., Mitchell, K. R., Wellings, K., Johnson, A. M., Geary, R., Jones, K. G., Clifton, S., Erens, B., Lu, M., Chayachinda, C., Field, N., Sonnenberg, P., & Mercer, C. H. (2017). Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3). PloS one, 12(3), e0174129. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0174129
