The Art of Slowing Down During a Fight

Think about your last argument with your partner. Do you remember how you felt?

If you do, were you able to access that emotion in the moment?

One of the hardest things to do during a fight, is to access your deep and vulnerable emotions. Usually, our bodies experience a flood of hormones that signal our bodies to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

We move into actions like yelling, shutting down, blaming, or appeasing. Our partner fights us back or defends themselves. You end up locking yourselves into an argument in which there is no winning, just more and more arguing.

In the moment, can you identify what triggered you?

Was it the dirty dishes in the sink? Was it how much money they spent on wants? Was it that they spent too much time on the computer?

How many times do you look back only to realize that you were fighting about much more than just dishes, money, or screen time?

Often, there are deep and vulnerable emotions at play beneath the surface of our disagreements. Let’s explore why anger becomes our default response, the hidden emotions behind it, and how embracing vulnerability can enhance our relationships.

Why Anger Takes Center Stage

During heated arguments, anger often takes the spotlight. It acts as a shield, hiding sensitive emotions that we're hesitant to express to our partner. We fear being hurt, rejected, or abandoned, so we instinctively react with anger to protect ourselves.

Discovering the Real Emotions

But anger is not the whole story. Emotions like hurt, loneliness, abandonment, and rejection hide beneath. Recognizing and addressing these underlying feelings is crucial for genuine understanding and resolution.

Breaking the Cycle with Vulnerability

Imagine if, in the midst of a disagreement, you could temporarily set aside anger and explore your deep and vulnerable emotions. Embracing vulnerability creates an opportunity for genuine connection and open communication with our partner.

Practical Steps to Embrace Vulnerability

Notice What You Are Feeling

When anger arises, take a moment to notice it. Think about why you feel that way. Ask yourself, "What other emotions are coming up? What hurt me? What do I really want from my partner?"

Express Your Emotions

Think about what it would be like to share with your partner. If you feel comfortable, you might try sharing your emotion. If you share, use “I” statements to stray away from blaming. Otherwise, it can also be really valuable to sit with and process the idea of sharing and what emotions it brings up for you. Here are four things you might want to avoid when expressing your emotions to your partner.  

Listen with Empathy

When your partner shares their emotions, listen with understanding. Create a safe space for them to be open, without judging or getting defensive. Show that you understand and validate their feelings.

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help

If conflicts continue or become more challenging, consider getting guidance from a couples' therapist. They can offer helpful tools and facilitate productive conversations. Here are 4 ways to prepare for couples therapy and here are some tips to finding a therapist.

Conclusion

In relationship conflicts, it's important to recognize that anger often masks vulnerable emotions. By stepping back, acknowledging these hidden feelings, and embracing vulnerability, we can build healthier and more connected relationships. Open communication allows for understanding, healing, and stronger bonds with our partners.

What would happen if the next time that you find yourself in an argument, you peeled back the layers of anger and allowed yourself to explore your vulnerable emotions?