Depression and Your Relationship
You want to be available and supportive to your partner. You watch them struggle every day and wish that you could do something to help take their pain away.
Inevitably, it’s starts to take a toll on you. It seems like the dark cloud that has been looming over them for so long, has made its way over to you. It’s exhausting.
Because, not only does misery love company, but so does depression.
There is some research that suggests that the mere act of empathizing, translates negative feelings into us (Eisenberg et al., 2013). And that supporting your partner, although at times it might feel good, can become draining, particularly if they cannot offer support in return.
Depression has a sort of “social contagion” effect (Eisenberg et al., 2013), where we begin to take the negative thoughts and feelings of our partner on as our own.
Here are four tips to support your relationship in these times:
Therapy
Well, of course I’m going to say “therapy.” But, seriously, therapy can be immensely helpful as a supportive outlet for you, as well as for your partner.
And, most importantly, couples therapy. Couples therapy it severely underused for the treatment of depression but can be even more effective than individual therapy in reliving depression symptoms and improving your relationship (Shepard & Butler, 2021 and Whisman et al., 2012).
Listen and Validate
A lot of the times we put a lot of pressure on saying the right thing or making sure that what we say helps the other person. But this can be a very low effort conversation.
Most of the time when we hear that our partner is struggling, we launch into fixing mode. We want them to feel better and we want to be the ones to help them.
But, when your partner shares with you, just listen. Try to hear what they are feeling and validate their emotions. Something as simple as, “Of course you feel sad and overwhelmed, there is so much on your plate” can make all the difference in making them feel seen and heard.
Set a Ritual for Connection
This is an intentional time when you and your partner do nothing, together. Block it off in your calendar and stick to it like you would a meeting. Disconnect from everything but each other.
Allow yourself a few hours or an evening that is just about your relationship. What do you need to do to feel lighter together? Watch a movie in your pajamas? Go for a long walk together? Take a nap? Have a long, drawn-out fancy dinner?
You name it. The goal of this is not to intentionally connect to each other per se, but to intentionally disconnect from everything else.
Recognize and Plan for Time Away
You are allowed to want time away from your partner. But this takes the ability to recognize when your emotional resources are running low. And most of the time, we don’t recognize that out emotional resources are running low until we’ve completely exhausted them.
So, what are some ways that you can recognize these in yourself? Maybe it’s when you start to feel resentment towards your partner? Or when you find yourself avoiding them? Maybe it’s when you are starting to feel fatigued and alone.
The second part of this is to have a plan for what you need in these moments. A cup of coffee with a friend? A yoga class? Picking up an old hobby? .
Conclusion
Depression, by nature, is isolating and draining. It can take a toll, not only on you and your partner, but on the both of you together as a relational unit. Remember to be gentle on yourself as you go through this and I hope that these tips have given you some ideas for taking care of your relationship.
References
Eisenberg, D., Golberstein, E., Whitlock, J. L., & Downs, M. F. (2013). Social contagion of mental health: evidence from college roommates. Health economics, 22(8), 965–986. https://doi.org/10.1002/hec.2873
Shepherd, M., & Butler, L. (2021). The underuse of couple therapy for depression in Improving Access to Psychological Therapies Services (IAPTS): a service evaluation exploring its effectiveness and discussion of systemic barriers to its implementation. Journal of Family Therapy, 43(4), 493–515. https://doi- org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1111/1467-6427.12323
Whisman, M. A., Johnson, D. P., Be, D., & Li, A. (2012). Couple-based interventions for depression. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 1(3), 185–198. https://doi- org.libproxy.txstate.edu/10.1037/a0029960
