Do any of these sources of relationship conflict sound familiar to you:

• differences in tone of voice

• money matters

• communication styles

• dividing household chores

• juggling relationships with family and friends

• finding quality time together

• making life decisions and changes

• maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship

• expressing affection, or

• dealing with parenting challenges?

If so, take a deep breath and relax. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and it doesn't have to be isolating or overwhelming. In fact, it turns out that a significant 69% of issues couples face are unsolvable and perpetual, even among happy couples. The key lies in how we handle these conflicts.

Understanding Gridlock and Its Impact

Gridlock can feel like sinking into quicksand within your relationship. Unhappy couples find themselves trapped in never-ending battles, attempting to solve unsolvable problems. The result? Icy arguments, painful exchanges, and the emergence of destructive patterns known as the Four Horsemen.

Continuously trying to resolve unsolvable issues can erode your confidence in the relationship, leaving both partners feeling stuck and frustrated. Recognizing that not all problems have a neat solution and shifting focus to managing dialogue around perpetual issues can make a profound difference.

Building Dialogue for Conflict Resolution

Managing arguments and dealing with unsolvable issues requires harnessing the power of constructive dialogue.

Here are some essential steps to foster effective communication:

Focus on the way you talk about the issue

Instead of solely fixating on the problem at hand, frame discussions around the process of communication itself. Emphasize the importance of respectful and open dialogue. Of both, communicating and receiving, empathy and understanding.

Communicate understanding

Validate your partner's perspective by genuinely acknowledging their point of view. Even if you disagree, demonstrating empathy and understanding creates an atmosphere of mutual respect. And chances are, you can find even just a tiny bit of your partner’s perspective to validate and empathize with.

Express needs without accusation

Share your own needs using "I" statements instead of “you” statements, which often are received as blaming or accusing by the receiving party. This approach encourages open communication and reduces defensiveness, making it easier for your partner to listen and respond warmly and openly.

Explore underlying fears and concerns

Take a moment to reflect on your personal fears associated with the argument. Consider how the disagreement threatens your sense of safety and connection with your partner. Understanding the deeper emotions at play can bring clarity and empathy to the conversation. In other words, what are you really, deeply, and at your core upset about?

Request support and connection

Clearly communicate your needs to your partner, expressing how they can provide support and help you feel secure and connected during the discussion. This opens the door for mutual support and understanding.

Conclusion

While a significant portion of relationship issues may remain unsolvable, focusing excessively on those perpetual conflicts can hinder happiness and growth.

Happy couples find solace in managing the conflicts they can resolve and engaging in constructive communication. By fostering dialogue, understanding, and empathy, couples can navigate disagreements more effectively and lay a strong foundation for their relationship.

Remember, it's not about eliminating conflicts altogether but about building a resilient connection that can weather any storm. Embrace the challenges and master the art of cultivating a thriving and fulfilling relationship together.

References

How and Why Do American Couples Argue?

Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

Overcoming Gridlocked Conflict

Gottman Level 1 Training

Rauer, A., Sabey, A. K., Proulx, C. M., & Volling, B. L. (2020). What are the marital problems of happy couples? A multimethod, two‐sample investigation. Family process, 59(3), 1275-1292.