Maybe killers is a strong word but John and Julie Gottman did coin these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” According to the Gottman’s research, these four behaviors increase negativity within the relationship which, in turn, predicts divorce. So, take a look. Are any of these present in your relationship?

1.     Criticism

This is the most common horseman used by women. It is an mechanism that is aimed at restoring connection. However, it often leads to disengagement from the receiver and loneliness for both. Criticism includes pointing out the flaws that you perceive in your partner, things like “you are rude” or “you are too uptight.”

Instead-

Try focusing on how you feel and communicate that calmly to your partner. You can structure it like “I feel… about… and I need…”

For example, “I feel sad that you are going out without me. I need you to make time to spend time with me later this week.”

2.     Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often present when criticism is. I see it as a way to protect ourselves against further disconnection and negative emotions. But defensiveness often blocks us from hearing our partners.

Instead-

Try listening for what they are upset about and owning your part in the issue, even if it is just a sliver.

For example, “I hear you, I am in part responsible for missing our flight”

3.     Contempt

According to the Gottmans, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. It is born out of a slight feeling of superiority from our partners, and relationships don’t survive in this condition. Contempt is behind statements like, “why don’t you do anything right?”

Instead-

Try fostering respect and appreciation in your relationship and focus on the way you are feeling. Remember to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and if that they really were inferior or dumber than you, you wouldn’t be with them in the first place. So, in a way try to lead with kindness when you begin to feel frustrated and remember that the person sitting across from you is someone that cares deeply for you.

4.     Stonewalling

This is the most common horseman used by men and it is an effort to self-regulate that is most often unsuccessful. It involves attempts to emotionally disconnect from an issue, which will likely dysregulate your partner even more, and dysregulate you even more as a result. Stonewalling is ignoring or icing out your partner.

Instead-

Try create an arsenal of regulating strategies. What are things that calm you down when you are in a panic that you can quickly access? You might even try communicating to your partner that you have reached your threshold and are having a difficult time remaining engaged.

Something that is really clear to me about the four horsemen is that they are our and our partner’s best attempt at maintaining connection and preventing disconnection.

Resources

The Science of Love Video by John Gottman

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

Making Marriage Work Video by John Gottman

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John and Julie Gottman

References

Gottman Level 1 Training

The Four Horsemen Blog Post

The Antidotes for the Four Horsemen Blog Post

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman