Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is rooted in attachment theory which holds that the way we attach to our caregivers influences the way we attach to our adult romantic partners. Our caregivers become a secure base for us when they are accessible, reliable, and engaged with our needs (Johnson, 2019, p. 7). As we grow and strengthen this bond, we internalize a “felt sense” of security from our caregiver which we can draw from to buffer stress and for coping with difficult situations (Johnson, 2019, p. 8). So, how might this be affected when our family, friends, or society judge or reject you based on sexuality?

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Background On Attachment

If our caregivers are not accessible, reliable, and engaged with us, we can develop an insecure attachment, namely anxious or avoidant attachment. People with an anxious attachment styles are very sensitive to negative messages and desire more reassurance and support from their attachment figure (Johnson, 2019, p. 8). People with an avoidant attachment style deal with distress by distancing themselves from their loved ones and minimizing their needs.

When people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles pair up, they begin to engage in what EFT calls a pursuer-withdrawer cycle. In the pursuer-withdrawer cycle, the pursuer (i.e., the anxious partner) will seek reassurance and support from their partner while their partner, the withdrawer (i.e., the avoidant partner), will seek distance and separation (Bigler & Modica, 2022). This creates as infinite dance in which neither partner gets their needs met.

Attachment and Queerness

So, how does attachment security apply to queer couples? Queer individuals experience discrimination and stigma from society, family, and friends that compound into something called minority stress (Bigler & Modica, 2022). Minority stress feels like rejection and abandonment which can impact and hurt attachment security (Zuccarini and Karos, 2011). And unfortunately, parental acceptance for coming out has a long-term effect on secure attachment and is important in forming healthy intimate relationships in adulthood (Cannon & Boccone, 2019; Mohr et al., 2013; Carnelley et al., 2011). Therefore, minority stress is likely to promote insecure attachment and impact queer relationships in adulthood.

Many queer individuals will develop an insecure attachment after internalizing the rejection and abandonment from their friends and family (Brown & Trevethan, 2010). To cope, they may resort to self-protecting strategies like pursuing or withdrawing (Bigler & Modica, 2022). EFT can help queer client recognize their internalized negative self-appraisals so that they can begin to express their emotions, view themselves as worthy of love, and recognize their need for connection (Bigler & Modica, 2022). In this way, queer couples bring in not only attachment injuries into the therapy room, but they also bring in a lifetime of minority stress. To heal from this, it is important to reflect on the system-level factors that contribute to the intimate attachment of queer individuals.

Things for Queer Couples to Consider Before EFT   

1. EFT could trigger unresolved attachment injuries.

   Queer individuals may internalize the feeling that their sexual orientation is worthy of rejection and abandonment (Allan & Johnson, 2016). Moving towards closeness and security with their partner may trigger internalized feelings of shame. Which can, in turn, trigger feelings of depression, unworthiness, or suicidality.

2. The learned danger of vulnerability.

   Many queer individuals are closeted for a very long time and experience rejection for their sexual identitywhich can have a negative effect on their comfort with intimacy (Schwartz, Yarbrough, & McIntosh, 2020). Therefore, emotional openness and vulnerability may be more difficult with you, which is a cornerstone of EFT.

3. The extent of internalized opinions of others.

   Internalized feelings of rejection and abandonment will promote a view of self that is “deserving” of rejection and abandonment (Allan & Johnson, 2016). Telling us that our authentic selves will be abandoned and rejected. The experience of chronic rejection makes it difficult for queer individuals to take in the love and acceptance from their partner.   

Moving Deeper Into Attachment For Queer Couples

With EFT, the goals for creating connections between couples are to help heal attachment wounds together by learning about their negative cycle and to creating new ways to engage with each other. One important goal is to access partners’ emotional responses and reformulate them in the here and now.

Based on these emotional responses, the second goal is to shape new interactions in which each partner is able to reach towards their partner in more understanding of what they need and how their partner can offer comfort (Josephson, 2003).

Because minority stress has a negative impact on many LGBTQ+ individuals' self-esteem, partners in this population can create a goal to help each other feel more accepted in the relationship, creating safety for their identities by accessing and sharing attachment needs (Zuccarini and Karos, 2011). In a way, the goal is to create a new culture of safety, acceptance, and love within the relationship.

Join my relationship processing group and learn more about your attachment style and how it comes up in your relationship!

Resources

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Gay relationships – how do we attach? Blog

NextQuest Podcast by Noah Garcia

References

Bigler, Karli M. & Modica, Christopher A. (2022) Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Gay and Lesbian Couples: Considerations for Pursuer-Distancer Patterns. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counseling, 16(3), 300-316, DOI: 10.1080/26924951.2022.2043217

Brown, J., & Trevethan, R. (2010). Shame, internalized homophobia, identity formation, attachment style, and the connection to relationship status in gay men. American Journal of Men’s Health, 4(3), 267–276. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988309342002

Cannon, J. L., & Boccone, P. J. (2019). Addressing attachment injuries with bisexual clients and their monosexual partners during the coming out process. Journal of Bisexuality, 19(1), 120–127. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2019.1567434

Carnelley, K. B., Hepper, E. G., Hicks, C., & Turner, W. (2011). Perceived parental reactions to coming out, attachment, and romantic relationship views. Attachment & Human Development, 13(3), 217–236. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2011.563828

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.

Josephson, G. (2003). Using an attachment based intervention for same sex couples. In S.M.        Johnson & V. Whiffen (Eds.), Attachment processes in couple and family therapy (pp.  300–320). Guilford Press.

Lee, N. A., Spengler, P. M., Mitchell, A. M., Spengler, E. S., & Spiker, D. A. (2017). Facilitating withdrawer re-engagement in emotionally focused couple therapy: A modified task analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 6(3), 205–225. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000084

Mohr, J. J., Selterman, D., & Fassinger, R. E. (2013). Romantic attachment and relationship functioning in same-sex couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60(1), 72–82. https:// doi.org/10.1037/a0030994

Schwartz, A., Yarbrough, E., & McIntosh, C. A. (2020). Sex and relationship issues in work with the LGBTQ community. FOCUS, 18(3), 277–284. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.focus.20200014

Tilley, D., & Palmer, G. (2013). “Enactments in Emotionally Focused Therapy: Shaping               Moments of Contact and Change.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 39(3), 299-313.

Zuccarini, D., & Karos, L. (2011). Emotionally focused therapy for gay and lesbian couples: Strong identities, strong bonds. In J. L. Furrow, S. M. Johnson, & B. A. Bradley (Eds.), The emotionally focused casebook: New directions in treating couples (pp. 317–342). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.