Have you ever looked up attachment styles? I feel like most people have heard of them by now. I even took an attachment class in undergrad (it was really great by the way!). The point is, attachment theory has become very popular in recent years and about half of the US population has some type of insecure attachment style. If you are interested to find out yours, check out the Experiences in Close Relationships Scale.

What Is Insecure Attachment?

To build an attachment bond with a caregiver, we subconsciously consider their accessibility and responsiveness to us.

• Accessibility means that your caregiver is available to you when you need them.

• Responsiveness means that your emotions and needs matter to your caregiver.

To maintain bonds, we look for engagement.

• Engagement means that our caregiver validates us, asks questions, expresses empathy, and is mentally present with us.

Accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement (A.R.E.) are what set the stage for a secure bond.

 From the time we are born, our attachment system scans for A.R.E. And because when we are young we are so vulnerable, we are very sensitive to shortcoming when it comes to A.R.E. When our caregiver does fall short, we may feel:

• Isolated

• Rejected

• Unlovable

• Invisible

• Controlled

• Alone

• Worthless

These feelings lead us to sense that we are in danger of isolation. Isolation is not only physically dangerous when we are young, it’s also inherently traumatizing as it creates a sense of vulnerability, danger, and helplessness. As a result, we develop an insecure attachment style.

Insecure attachment styles are a type of trauma-response that is so common, it might be difficult to accept that it is rooted in trauma. In fact, the “fight” response is associated with anxious attachment while the “flight” response is associated with avoidant attachment.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Around 20% of the population has an anxious attachment.

People with an anxious attachment style are very sensitive to possible threats to their connection with their partner. They very easily begin to feel rejected, unlovable, worthless, or controlled, which leads them to fear disconnection with their partner.

And because this is the “fight” response, the anxious partner will protest any hint of disconnection. Unfortunately, once the attachment system is activated, it is very difficult for them to calm down. So, they incessantly protest the disconnection.

Characteristic behaviors of anxious partners include:

• Poking

• Yelling

• Probing

• Questioning

• Confronting

• Attacking

• Yelling

• Judging

• Disapproving

Although, these protest behaviors are aimed at re-establishing closeness, they often have the opposite effect.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Around 25% of the population has an avoidant attachment style.

 The avoidant attachment stye is the “flight” response and it is intended to lessen the frustration and distress that comes with being attacked by an attachment figure. This often looks like withdrawing and distancing themselves from their partner when there is any sign of conflict.

People with avoidant attachment styles have been deeply emotionally wounded by their loved ones when they show emotion, which teaches them to avoid vulnerability. This is often because a parent experienced this themselves with their own parent. As a result, they don’t really know how to respond to emotions or may only view emotions as bad. Which of course means that it is difficult for them to let their partner into their internal world.

Because they have learned that emotional expression leads to disconnection, they avoid it. Within a relationship this looks like:

• Clamming up

• Appeasing

• Dismissing

• Reasoning

• Yelling

• Shutting down

• Blaming

• Leaving

And although these behaviors are aimed at dissipating the conflict, they often fuel it.

When Anxious And Avoidant Pair Up

Anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners are both looking for the same thing: connection. However, they have both learned to achieve it in different ways.  

Interestingly, anxiously attached people and avoidantly attached people will often couple up. In a way, they confirm each other’s expectations for attachment figures. Anxiously attached people will expect that disconnection is reached through under-expressing emotions. While their avoidantly attached counterparts will expect that disconnection is reached through over-expressing emotions.

You can probably see how this would cause conflict and challenges within anxious-avoidant couples.

Also, anxiously attached people find it really difficult to attend to their partner’s needs when they feel distressed themselves. And when their partner has a need, that signals to them that their connection is threatened which immediately sends them into distress. So, it is difficult for them to respond to their partner’s needs at all.

On the other hand, avoidant partner will dismiss their own needs and the needs of others. When they manage to express a need and are met with anxious behaviors, it reaffirms that they should keep those needs to themselves. So, they turn away from emotions which makes them less able to show empathy or support for their partner’s emotions.

Although this sounds like a very difficult dynamic to overcome, it is one that most couples fall into. When we are able to listen to our partner’s needs and fears, we are more easily able to understand and reconnect with them. Next week, I will write more about the anxious-avoidant relationship, or what EFT calls the pursuer-withdrawer relationship.

Join my relationship processing group and learn more about your attachment style and how it comes up in your relationship!

Resources

If you want to find an attachment-informed therapist in the Austin, Texas area. 

Wired for Love Book by Stan Tatkin

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Video about attachment styles

Therapist explaining attachment styles

References

• Anxious Attachment Style Guide: Causes & Symptoms. Attachment Project. (2023, April 6). Retrieved April 17, 2023, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/ 

• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press. 

• Lancer, D. (2021, April 1). How to change your attachment style and your relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved April 17, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-attachment-style-and-your-relationships 

• Levine, A. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find--and keep-- Love. Tarcherperigee.