It seems like one of the most difficult places to set boundaries is within romantic relationships. I’ve noticed that many couples’ fights center around crossed boundaries. Yet, setting boundaries with your partner seems odd, like this should be the one person that you shouldn’t want boundaries with, right? 

However, being aware of our boundaries within romantic relationships can be so helpful for a few reasons. 

1. They help you stay in touch with yourself and allow you to stay connected with your needs from the relationship. 

2. They can help protect your emotional well-being, particularly during emotionally intense moments. 

3. They help in conflict resolution by allowing you to take a pause and reflect on your present experience. 

4. They can support healthy communication by ensuring that arguments don’t escalate beyond a zone of effectiveness. 

5. Lastly, by honoring each other’s boundaries, you are helping to build trust and safety with each other. It helps our brains say “hey, this is a safe person that respects and accepts me.” 

Overall, healthy boundaries are essential for creating a strong foundation of mutual respect, trust, and understanding in romantic relationships. They promote emotional well-being, effective communication, and a sense of balance and harmony between partners.

So, what exactly are boundaries? 

I see boundaries as relational structures that help support you in expressing your most authentic self. Within the limits of our boundaries, we can feel safe and heard enough to take risks and be vulnerable. 

They define acceptable behavior, expectations, and limits within the relationship that will support us in bringing our best self to the relationship. And by respecting our own and our partner’s boundaries, we can co-create a relationship that is safe and open. 

Lack of Boundaries 

A lack of boundaries creates patterns that are uncomfortable for both partners. And what I’ve noticed is that after a while of boundary crossings and violations, couples get stuck and these patterns become harder and harder to break, leading to conflict, dissolution, and hurt. 

This can get stored as resentment, which slowly but surely corrodes, not only the relationship, but also each partner individually.  

Benefits of Boundaries

On the other hand, setting boundaries allows couples to build a relationship that is safe and supportive for all partners. In fact, relationship boundaries create space for a plethora of benefits: 

1. Mutual Respect: When you respect yourself, it shows your partner how you like to be treated and respected. 

2. Clear and Open Communication: Because boundaries help create environments that are safe for partners to express themselves, clarity and openness are allowed to thrive. Further, they support productive conflict and prevent hurtful arguments. 

3. Emotional Safety: This is so inherent in boundaries, and truly, emotional safety nurtures closeness within relationships. 

4. Personal Growth: Boundaries support us in staying in touch with ourselves as individuals. I think of boundaries as nursery rods in a way, they help us grow tall. 

5. Increased Intimacy: When we feel like there is enough safety in our relationship to be ourselves, we begin to feel fully seen and accepted. And although that sounds scary, our brains are naturally wired to look for pockets of safety and comfort within our lives. So, once we get it, we often want more of it.

What are your boundaries?

This is truly a loaded question. I honestly don’t think that you can sit down and list all of your boundaries, because:

Self-Reflection is important, but not exhaustive

We often stumble across boundaries when they’ve been crossed. The first sign for me is that something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe there’s a drop in my stomach or a sadness/ anger that overcomes me. These are the moments that cue me into the fact that a boundary of mine has been crossed. 

And although it can be frustrating to find them as I go, it’s nice to know that growth and self-discovery are constantly unfolding in my life. 

How to communicate your boundaries

When possible, it can be really helpful to openly and clearly communicate your boundaries to your partner. I like the idea of steering away from blame and instead focus on your own experience. Using “I” statements and focusing on emotions or bodily sensations can be a good start. 

I recently read a book called “Help for High-Conflict Couples” by Jacqueline Wielick and Jennine Estes Powell in which the authors talk about a “safety-sandwich” which is a way to envelope a boundary of yours between to validations or appreciations. 

Here’s the basic structure: 

1. Start with a statement that validates your partner or appreciates them. 

2. State your boundary in a way that focuses on you and remains clear, direct, non-blaming, and non-critical. 

3. End with a statement that suggests how you and your partner can potentially resolve the boundary issue in a loving and mutually beneficial way. 

Here’s an example of a “safety-sandwich”

“I can see that you are angry and hurt in this moment. It is important to be that we do not yell at each other. I would like to take a 20 minute break so we can cool off and resolve this is a way that is kind to both of us.”

“I appreciate how hard you are trying to resolve this issue for us. I would like to avoid criticism of my character. It is important to me that we remain kind and respectful to each other as we continue this conversation.”

A note on argument breaks

Something that’s important for me to note here as well is that it is totally fine to take a break from an argument if you feel like either you or your partner need it! However, it is also important, as the partner asking for a break, to give your partner a time at which you will return. For example, “I would really like to continue talking about this with you and I need a few minutes to cool down. It is important to me to be kind and understanding towards you. So, I’m going to go lay down and I’ll come back in 20 minutes”

Conclusion

The process of setting boundaries within romantic relationships is not always straightforward, and it may initially feel counterintuitive to establish limits with the person you love. 

However, recognizing and respecting boundaries is essential for fostering a healthy and fulfilling partnership. Boundaries serve as relational structures that support authenticity, self-expression, and mutual respect. They create a safe and open environment where partners can communicate openly, resolve conflicts effectively, and nurture emotional safety and intimacy. 

While the lack of boundaries can lead to patterns of discomfort, conflict, and resentment, setting boundaries allows couples to build a relationship that is supportive, respectful, and conducive to personal growth. 

By cultivating self-awareness, communicating openly and respectfully, and implementing strategies such as the "safety-sandwich," couples can establish and maintain boundaries that contribute to the strength and longevity of their relationship. 

So, what are your boundaries? 

References: 

“Help for High-Conflict Couples” by Jacqueline Wielick and Jennine Estes Powell